Hi everyone!
First of all, happy lunar new year to everyone! I hope that everyone is enjoying yourself with lots of "ang baos" and new year goodies.
Let me describe to you a interpersonal conflict which i encountered in the past. If you have watched the movie Shrek, there is this saying quoted from the movie - "A true friend can tell you everything even though it hurts! Only a true friend can do that because a true friend don't want you to go to the wrong path. A true friend will truly help you find your way even if it means he has to say cruel words to you." This is quite similar in the case of a parent to his or her child. They always want the best out of everything for whom they really love.
I have a buddy who i met since secondary one and ever since, we are very close where we can talk about all kinds of problems, issues, nonsense and secrets to each other. There is nothing we couldn't talk about in this world. This friend of mine is a risk taker since the first day we met. After both of us graduated from Junior College, he started to have interest in stock market. He likes to speculate the stock markets and the risk involved in this area. However, there was one day where he finally burned his finger as he was over anxious in one of his stock and ended up in serious debt. During that period, he was very depressed and worried over his debt. One day, he asked me out over a dinner and told me about the whole incident.
After he told me the whole incident, i was shock by the amount he owe and at the same time very worried for him. All along i knew he was involved in the stock market and i always been telling him to be extra careful and not to hold his stake too high. Apparent all the nagging doesn't work and he got himself into deep trouble. I knew he wanted me to be his listener and console him. I wanted to tell him that everything will be fine and we can work this out somehow. However, i decided to give him a lecture instead as i wanted him to take this as a painful lesson and not make the same mistake again. Instead of consoling him, i went on and on with the nagging, scoldings, and lecture about his actions. Finally, he couldn't take it and exploded in front of me. He said "what kind of friend are you!? How can you say such things to me when all i needed now is just comfort from my friend! I am not asking you to lend me money or help me to get out of this! You are such a disappointment!".
He left straight away after he said that to me. I was dumb-folded and didn't know how to react in that situation. I was just trying to let him realized the seriousness of playing stock market and wanted him to get out of it as i got a feeling that this might happen again in the future if i just let him be the way he is now. I guess maybe i was too harsh in my choice of words.
Dear reader, if you were me in this situation, would you do the same thing as me or would you be the so called "good friend" and listen to all his sorrows?
Shi Chie
Dear Shi Chie: (Sorry for mistyping your name last time~)
ReplyDeleteI think your analysis is right that your choice of words may have hurt him. What he needed at that time might not be a good “beat”, but instead some comfort and mental support. Suppose you are the one in hot waters and your best friend keeps scolding you for what you’ve been regretting for, will you be cheered up or more discouraged? Perhaps it is better for you to show empathy and listen to his sorrows with patience.
I know that you think a good friend should be helpful in one’s life and you were trying to assist him choosing a better way of life by teaching. But maybe there are other ways to help your friend. Showing your understanding will make him feel supported. Encouraging him to try to do other businesses will cheer him up. You can give him positive energy in a more warm and fuzzy way.
Why not asking him out and make a sincere apology for your being harsh to him? Then he will understand that what you said was for his good sake. Since he is your close friend, do not let this ruin your friendship.
- From Linna
I think the virtue here is moderation: while he needs to know the severity of his actions, he does not "need another nagging ear".
ReplyDeleteIf I may venture a comment: it's more than likely that he knows the mess he's gotten himself into, but just needs someone there to 'rough it out' during the period. While you may have berated him in good intentions, the message could have been either sent out in moderation, or diluted so that the message still gets across, but is less 'naggy'.
There's no hard and fast way to handle this situation: perhaps since he asked you out to share his troubles, it might be more advisable to leave it as that for now, to listen and only offer suggestions where appropriate. Berating would probably be better left at a later date, where the situation he's in is less severe, or when he's in a better mood.
P.S. I think it's quite hard to scold him in this situation without coming off as a "I-told-you-so" person.